In the last year I’ve been turned down by the AVN Awards, The US Professional Bull rider Association of American Championships, The Jewish under 30 Advertising Professionals Conference held in Manitoba (I didn’t get it either) and the UFC Media day (for which they granted 16,000 media credentials). So it was a fantastic honor when I was asked to attend the 2011 James Beard Foundation Quick Service Restaurant Awards.

Was I excited when I found out? I’ve only been more excited once in my life and that was when my parents told me I was not going to get gifts for my bar mitzvah (instead I’d be asking for donations to charity) but also that I’d be having a klezmer band at the party which in fact the most popular type of music in 1997. I mean, how could one not be excited for the JBFQSR’s? The Who’s Who of the QSR world would be there with a full load of celebrity award presenting and ass kissing served fresh fast and as efficiently as at a drive through in Wisconsin.

Since it’s all the rage now and I am of course super lazy (note the fact I was at the QSR awards) here is my live journal/live tweet recap from last night:

8:33 Just went and told the Dominos chef I do NOT love his new chx tenders. He was like “it’s just a commercial dude” LOL! #JBFQSR

8:39 Red lobster crab cakes AND Long John Silver fish stick passed apps! Like a dueling piano bar in here! Heaven at #JBFQSR awards!

8.54 Line for Pauley D @miraclewhip photo booth is like 100 people long. So frustrating! He’s my favorite jersey shore character. #JBFQSR awards

9:06 1st big upset of the night! IHOP wins best service. Def thought it would be Chili’s! Quickest water refills in the land #JBFQSR awards

9:14 Who else is at the James Beard Foundation Quick Service Restaurant Awards tonight? Use hashtag #JBFQSR! 2nd course is a double down! Yum.

9:15 Papa John is hitting on Popeye’s chx lady.She’s hot after taste test win over KFC. If u see wings+pizza outside room 401 2nt keep on walkin!

9:27 Harold and Kumar are announcing back2back awards.BEST SUB=Subway,Quiznos,Jimmy Johns front runners….BTW Harold looks high #JBFQSR Awards

9:28 Tubby’s Submarines wins best sub! Room is silent! Ray Kroc IV just got caught on bigscreen mouthing “what the fuck is tubbys” #JBFQSR awards

9:44 best crisis management award goes to Taco Bell for it’s handling of the fake meat situation.36% meat! More Nat. smoke flavor pls! #JBFQSR

9:51 Corey Haim giving out “We still Exist Award” Noms are: Einstein bagels,Sbarro,Boston Market,Hardees. This is anyone’s. JBFQSR awards

10:12 Best Iced coffee drink noms announced by that actress who plays Nancy Botwin. Noms: Tim Horton,McD’s,Wendys,DunkinD’s.Starbucks..winner is:

10:13 Dunkin Donuts wins.Howard Schultz stood up! He thought it was Starbucks! SCHULTZ THOUGHT HE HEARD STARBUCKS!! #JBFQSR awards top 10 moment!

10: 32 Best pairing of the night: Meatloaf+Paul Walker giving out “Hollywood integration award” BRING.ON.THE.WITTY.BANTER. #JBFQSR awards

10:33 Meatloaf:I would do anything for a burger,but i wont do that(pointin at Walker)Walker: I dont have a fast enough car to get away LOL #JBFQSR

10:40 3rd course-Sonic foot long coney dogs.Eric Ripert has chili all over his face. His mustache disguise isn’t fooling anyone #JBFQSR awards

10:53 “Most Authentic Taste/Flavor” goes Panda Express.Weird, only Mexicans going on stage to collect the award. #JBFQSR awards

11: 09 4 awards left! Turn to tablemate wearing WWF Tshirt. “This taking longer than tasting menu at Per Se! His response “You’re per gay” #JBFQSR

11:11 Best Mexican food award given by Carlos Mencia.Noms:Del Taco,Taco Bell,Chipotle,El Pollo Loco.Chipotle wins.Hear come the protesters #JBFQSR

11:16 Protesters yell”Chipotle sold out” at Steven Ells w/ “u went corporate signs”escorted out. Ells dont sweat, Obama gets it too #JBFQSR awrds

11:22 Just went to bathroom.Batali (w/crocs) playin dice w/ Guy Fieri+andrew zimmern in bathroom.Disappointed.Felt classy until now #JBFQSR awards

11:28 excitment about who will win outstanding drive-thru at @beardfoundation #JBFQSR awards. my $ is on Wendy’s bc it’s open late (often till 12)

11:31 Audrina Partridge to me “I like, NEVER, EVER eat at Carl’s Jr.” @huffingtonpost @nytimes @CNN @BBC RT! RT! RT! #JBFQSR awards

11:33 YES!YES! Just got invited to the Cracker Barrel afterparty hosted by Paula Deen ft. gravy fountains. LOVE after parties #JBFQSR awards

11:39 Outstanding Restaurateur Award: Dick Malamarman, Arent Chew Glad You didnt Get Food Poisoning Enterprises @beardfoundation #JBFQSR awards

11:44 2 awards left.On glass 13 of terlato pino grig. Is Wendy legal? Just asking. She looks kinda young but she’s gotta be like 60 #JBFQSR awards

11: 47 outstanding chef award being given by Jean-Gorge+Bronson Pinchot. Crowd is chanting Balki! Balki! did not see that one coming #JBFQSR awards

11:48 Steve Jenkins 16 yr old fry chef at KFC Wichita wins outstanding chef @beardfoundation #JBFQSR awards! Table is showerin him in Mountain Dew

11:49 Larry cable guy+Rascal (but not Flatts)just picked up Steve Jenkins+are carrying him to the stage! Everyone is chanting USA @ JBFQSR awards

11:56 Outstanding restaurant of the year award next then Afterparties! Guy Fiere said I could ride shotgun in his 96 Camaro T-top. pinch me.

11:57 outstanding QSR rest. of 2011 is Qdoba! Fiere just whispered to me “It’s about to get all Peterson Automotive museum up in here.let’s roll”

12:04 Exiting parking lot.Kogi truck parked right out front. No line and people are egging it. #JBFQSR award attendees have no food truck love

And when I say the word “brunch” I’m not talking about what some girls refer to as “brunch”. Because “girls brunch”, which is really just eating anything on a Sunday when hungover, is not really brunch. it’s just a meal that falls during a time when restaurants display brunch menus.

And for those not familiar how a “girls brunch” develops – (all via BBM of course…no one speaks until they get to “brunch”) here’s a brief synopsis:

“ohhhh my god! Last night was Ahmayzing! but now I’m totally dying! Soooooo hungover!!! I must have drank like 7 vodka tonics! Ahhhh! Did we take shots? Did I do anything stupid? I probably did! Oh my f’in god I’m looking at pics on my phone! We’re we in a limo? LOL! OMG I’m literally kissing our cab driver! Ugggg i am struggggzzzz. I need coconut water. Like right now. Coconut water makes me feel sooo amazing. Yeah like amazing enough to stand up. then i can puke and I’m like…75% normal. Ok! Let’s get brunch!”

So Brunch is supposed to be leisurely and fun and can either be about extending the fun from Saturday night into Sunday(whatever genius coined sunday funday is a genius) or about closing out the weekend. But there are certain essentials you need to include to make it a brunch:

Bagels - if you don’t have bagels at your brunch you are an idiot. This isn’t like in school where there are no dumb questions. “Should I have bagels at my brunch?” is a dumb question because the answer is unequivocally yes. Bagels are amazing with deli meats, eggs, cream cheese, jams, tuna fish, tomatoes, cucumbers,hummus,mustard, lox, peanut butter, regular butter, toasted+ dry… I’m like Bubba gump right now. Bagels are the Blake Griffin/Penelope Cruz of brunch. Sure, they are amazing on their own, but surround them with some talent and watch the fuck out.

An Egg Dish – You’ve got guests coming over but you’ve got a lot to do and need to just pop something in the oven for brunch? Fritata. Set it and forget it. Omelets to order a bit pretentious? Fine… I’ll slum it and eat a quiche if I have to. Ohh Kugel? Way to go all Jewish on this brunch. Personally, I haven’t eaten eggs after 11am for years, but if you are a late sleeper…I say get your sunny side up on all hours of the day. Also here’s a scrambled egg tip. Mix in some whole mix with the eggs as you beat them. Add salt and pepper. And beat them pretty hard and fast. Then turn the heat to 1/2 of what you usually cook your eggs at. Then cook them slow and constantly move them. You are going to have the lightest fluffiest eggs you’ve ever tasted.

Jam/Cream Cheese – You know what’s kinda bad ass when you have people over? Making something and not just buying everything. Jam or a cream cheese dips are so easy it’s kind of like cheating. I made apricot jam last week by taking a bunch of apricots, removing the pits, adding a mess of sugar, boiling the apricots then adding Certo fruit pectin. Then I jarred it and let it cool on the counter. Popped it in the fridge overnight. Jam. Bam. Did I measure anything? Of course not. This isn’t for a cookbook or something, just me jamming out. Was it messy? Ehh maybe a jammy jam stain here or there but no biggie. Took all of 4 minutes. For cream cheese, just buy some green olives, some lox and some chives. Buy a big tub of cream cheese and divide it into 3 dishes. Allow it to soften slightly on the counter. Dice the olives, lox and chives. Place each dice item into an individual container of cream cheese. Voila. 3 homemade cream cheese dips. 2 min. classy.

Fresh Squeezed OJ – Huge $4 bags of oranges are readily available at any Farmer’s Market in CA so if you live on the west coast, you have no excuse not to do the fresh squeezed routine.Now I realize if you live in Chicago the idea of trekking through 8 ft high snow drifts then taking the L to the store and then dropping $15 on oranges so you can yield enough fresh squeezed for a table is not such a logical thing. BUT…it MAKES THE BRUNCH. Just trust me on this one. Sure you can throw Tropicana in your Brita and plop it on the table. but making fresh squeezed OJ says “I spent some time making this brunch. Let’s sit and talk, and take our time and enjoy this.” It shows a bit of class, a bit of effort and makes your guests feel special. (Watch out Martha, I’m dropping mad entertaining tips on these suckas. Pretty soon I’m gonna be doing posts on homemade napkins holders. Watch ya back).

Fresh baked bread - Bread is not hard to make. It takes a few ingredients and can be a show stopper. The best part is…you can toss anything into the bread (dried fruit, nuts, chocolate) to elevate it to a whole different level. Below is a picture of the Cranberry Almond bread I made last weekend. Was it totally delicious and awesome? Uhhh was Abraham Lincoln assassinated? Enough with the dumb questions.

It’s time for brunch.

Can someone pass the fresh squeezed OJ.

We’re out of it?

Fine…I’ll drink some goddamn Coconut Water.

The Freshman in the Kitchen 2011 Food and Restaurant Trends Report

Brick and mortar restaurants- These are going to be huge in 2011. If you just got into food or you live in a dense urban center you might not have realized that in certain parts of the US, restaurants exist inside buildings with the name clearly displayed on the outside. In 2011, expect restaurants to move away from wheels and institute a floors windows chairs and tables policy.

New serving dishes/techniques – Things served in small portions and sent to the table in mason jars will be gone with the stike of midnight on Dec 31st 2010. Expect restaurants to embrace recycled brown paper bags, planks of wood and simply dumping the food right on the table as the new hot ways to deliver your food to you.

Fiscal Responsibility is the new being green/organic – With wounds still raw from the housing and financial implosion, fiscal responsibility is a huge industry buzz word as the calendar rolls over. Expect chipped plates, mismatched glasses, silverware remaining on the table for multiple courses and waiters bringing out skillets and sliding your food onto the same plate you used for your appetizer. When restaurants pass along the savings, everyone wins.

In restaurant slaughtering – 2010 was chock full of chefs passionate about breaking down large cuts of meat with an audience. Classes at restaurants filled up weeks in advance to see chefs break down a pig and then send everyone home with the remaining parts of entire animal. But the animal was dead every single time long before the class started which is kinda lame. We’ve already received word that in January a Portland gastropub already filled a 20 person class where in the first hour, each attendee will have the opportunity to kill a live lamb. Butchering classes? 2010. Slaughtering classes. 2011. Quite possibly the most aggressive of all the 2011 trends we’ve discovered.

Savory desserts in the shape of cupcakes and that taste like vegan brownies but are made of frozen yogurt – This 2011 trend may be hard to visualize, but it provides further evidence of chefs blending the lines between creativity, reality and perception. It’s all so very whimsical and eclectic and creative!

Outdoor restaurants (we mean seriously outdoors) – on the completely other end of the spectrum we’ve received word that outdoor restaurants with no running water, reliable heat sources, tables or permits will be making an imprint in several cities. We’ve received word of two illegal restaurants in parks (BYOBlanket), one in a parking lot where they cook off bunsen burners (window service like an old fashioned A&W) and a raw restaurant where you eat all the dishes in seasonal and evolutionary order while taking a 9 mile hike called Forage on Foot.

Indian Food – Certain trend reports are saying Indian is poised to make a huge  splash onto the mainstream with several high profile chefs attached to open  Indian restaurants around the world. We agree with other trend reports in spelling only. Yes, the big food trend of 2011 is going to indian food…but Indian as in Native Americans. Chief Greyfeather of the Inuit tribe (and long time oracle of wild game cuisine) is consulting on a new restaurant in the MGM grand called Sky.Earth.Water.Wind. If this is a success, expect the copy cats to be sprouting up everywhere. (ed. note: Phllip Stark will be designing the interior which has been reported as futuristic minimalist teepee)

The ten hot food items for 2011 (this year’s “bacon”):

1) Water from the tap – much more cost efficient than it’s purified or bottled brothers, this will be the go-to for restaurants wanting to display fiscal responsibility

2) Gushers –  Nabisco announced that the famous snack/lunchroom currency will be discontinued in 2010. Chefs across the United States have been acquiring boxes however possible (with one crate going for $3,400 on e-bay). Expect to see a few trademark desserts at Michelin starred restaurant finished with a handful of gushers.

3) Schmaltz- 2011’s top new hot app. 2 pieces of white bread served with chicken fat on the side. Gelatinous golden globules of flavor

4) Cheddar cheese – often marginalized and left off the charcuterie/cheese plate cheddar will move to the forefront and displace high priced, long aged stinky versions.

5) Infused hot waters. Often referred to as soups, broths or teas, expect to see lots of hot liquids taking on lots of different flavors.

6) Asafoetida – sulferic in smell, rarely used. Will start popping up in broths because its tough to surprise anyone anymore and this is used so rarely it will help chefs differentiate themselves from those that simply fall back on finishing everything with truffles.

7) sunflower seeds – long marginalized as a baseball player snack n’ spit, these seeds will be encrusting kobe beef steaks and anchoring sauces in 2011.

7a) Balsam seeds – usually used to flavor hippocras (a type of mulled wine) and usually restricted to times of celebration due to its scarcity, balsam seeds are already being used as drink garnish in Abu Dhabi because purchased by the oz, the seeds are now more expensive than gold.

9) Goldfish – a goldfish disaster at the largest fishery in Maryland has left many goldfish varieties extinct. With limited quantity comes greater desire from the dining public. Prices rose to $120 an oz. in November so expect goldfish to push caviar to the wayside in 2011 as prices continue to soar.

10) Ostrich – new legislation in North Dakota has helped subsidize the largest ostrich farm outside of Australia. Designed in part to steal a piece of the $22 billion a year non-beef/chicken market (made up primarily of rabbit, alligator and quail sales) ostrich burgers are rolling out in Portland, Seattle and New Orleans. Expect Red Robin and Chili’s to be close behind.

If there are other trends this report missed that you’ve seen first hand or read about, please leave them in the comments section

Every Halloween I know EXACTLY how Paris and Kim feel when they show up in  ”who wore it better.” There’s always the worry  me and some shmuck will show up to the party with the same costume. To help you avoid this, we’ve got ten culinary themed costumes fully primed to melt faces, but first let’s start by eliminating a few costumes you should avoid harder than Lindsay Lohan at a networking event.

WHAT COSTUMES SHOULD I AVOID?

GAGA – As fun as it would be to spend 25 hrs making a meat dress out of hand drawn cardboard pieces, someone else is already doing this, and they will probably do a better job than you. The only thing worse than showing up as Lady Gaga in her meat dress is being the 2nd best version of Lady Gaga in her meat dress.

ZUCKERBERG – If all you do is buy a Harvard sweatshirt and say you are Mark Zuckerberg I will publicly berate you for laziness. If you take it to the next level and stuff your pockets with overflowing cash,hand out “I’m the CEO…bitch” business cards, carry a laptop logged into your Facebook page and update your feed while posting photos in an event called Halloween 2010…I will maybe give you a pass for such a lame costume choice.

POLITICS – For those considering being Obama,Palin or that Wicka lady who hates masturbating; realize that political costumes are very high brow and will make you appear out of touch with Middle America. Glen Beck might pop out of an alley and punch you in the privates for being so hoity-toity and rubbing your education in hard working families faces.

KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE – And remember to know your audience for full costume success. I considered drawing a “Repossessed by Bank” sign, wearing a blazer over a T-shirt and walking with a cane but I don’t want to explain that I’m a “Foreclosed Gregory House” 46 times to a bunch of drunk girls dressed as characters from Glee.

PAULA DEEN

This lady drinks melted butter out of a glass so if you take away her money/TV show and give her a few cats she’s basically the crazy neighbor your mom told you to avoid. You’ll need a white wig and TONS of makeup. Paula’s makeup style is basically “Southern Televangelist” so cake it on there (and considering her affinity for the product, you might want to rock a butter based foundation). You’ll be able to use that southern accent you cultivated as an extra in your high school production of Oklahoma! All night you should be yelling “I’m Paula Deen Ya’ll!!” And since she figures out a way to put it in every dish, work butter into every single sentence.

SAM SIFTON

Last year we offered up a restaurant critic costume, but with Sifton, you’re gonna have to be as accurate as a Jayson Blair story to have people know who you are. To really sell this costume through to the masses, you’ll need a copy of the NYtimes rolled up in your back pocket, a certified check peeking out of your pocket signed by Joe Bastianich and a copy of Born Round under your arm with a mustache drawn on the rotund face of the 2nd grade Frank Bruni.

GAIL SIMMONS

In order to really pull this costume off you might need to line up a Tom Collichio. Toss on your finest low cut silk party dress and practice walking in high heels (it’s ok, the real Gail is bad at this too).

Snag your “Tom” impersonator and flirt with him just enough so that you come off cute but not slutty. You should make sure to reinforce most of his comments and rarely if ever disagree with him. Take your “Tom” and walk up to the host at the party, making sure to offer up such a nice smile that it can’t possibly be genuine.

You – “Hi! What do you have for us tonight?”

Host – “Uhh we’ve got some chips, pumpkin seeds and a bunch of Halloween candy.”

You -(turn to your “Tom”) “Well he definitely followed the challenge theme!”(take one bite of a pumpkin seed then turn back to the host) Thanks! We’ll see you at judges table!”

A SUPER HUNGRY STONER FOODIE

A plain old “Stoner” is a hilarious and easy costume that allows you to get super high and carrying a 3ft bong+huge bag of Doritos into a party never made anyone unpopular, but you gotta just LOVE a good “foodie stoner”.

C’mon, you know the type. He gets blazed and wants to talk about how if he didn’t smoke so much weed he could save up to go to El Bulli and how if he just got his shit together he would totally open up his top secret Ostrich omelet bar-frozen yogurt-sliders fusion restaurant that he knows is the next hot trend.

So strap on your 2-tone dreadlocks wig, make a gravity bong out of 2 liter, raid the fridge and act super confused regardless of how easy the other costumes are to identify.

A POP-UP RESTAURANT

Like the dude above, once LA pop’ed we just can’t stop. For this costume, you’ve got to embrace your inner guerilla performance artist.

Show up at a party uninvited.  Unpack limited kitchen supplies, cutlery and plates, some candles and minimal decoration (just enough to make the place “your own”), some great produce (changes every day!) and start cooking right there in the middle of the party. (You make your own rules – you’re a pop-up restaurant!)

Presumably someone will want a reservation but kindly explain the detailed twitter process and that no, you don’t take phone reservations because…well… you don’t have a phone.

Then, as fast as you arrived, pack everything up and rush out. Everyone will be speculating what party you’ll pop up at next. “I heard he’s popping up next at a party in Santa Monica!” “Really? the westside?? It’s kinda an old crowd over there.” “I heard he’s going to a costume party in Silverlake!” “Ugh that’s so far! But I’d go to see that costume again for sure!” Some asshole is bound to blog that your costume was overrated, but don’t let it get you down. Mystique is your deadliest weapon.

GULF COAST SEAFOOD

1)Buy a shrimp or crab costume.

2) Pour Hershey’s Chocolate sauce all over it.

3) Let it dry (or don’t).

4) Put on the costume.

5) Carry around a bottle of Castrol GTX.

Congratulations, in 5 easy steps you’ve just made a mockery of one of our nation’s worst national disasters and insulted large portion of many U.S. states.

Costume successery? Ummm…Yes.

ANTHONY BOURDAIN

A Bourdain costume gives you the same carte blanche for recklessness as a Pete Doherty costume. Spend all night cigarette in hand on historical diatribes and pop culture infused tangents dropping words like omnipotent and acrimonious into casual conversation while taking yourself on a culinary journey to getting royally shit housed.

Straight leg light jeans, a white button down with the sleeves rolled up and some black ray bans. Possess what some would call an insatiable thirst for booze.

Eat some hunks of meat with your bare hands while comparing its flavorings to the writing of an obscure 19th century novelist, drop one pop culture Lindsay Lohan bomb, set up your hammock, hop in and fall asleep right there in the middle of the party. Anthony Bourdain parties harder in his sleep than you do awake anyways.

THE CHAIRMAN

Can you do backflips? Are you vaguely Asian looking but not actually Asian? Do you get SUPER excited by listing ingredients loudly, making very awkward sustained eye contact and doing air karate chops? If all of these apply to you, then it’s settled: you are being The Chairman for Halloween. Here’s a few other bonuses to being The Chairman – 1) You can still wear a suit without dressing as Don Draper. 2) no face makeup necessary 3)possibly the only logical reason to ever show off your ability to do a backflip without looking like a major douche.

A 2010 CULINARY FUED

Bayless went at it with Jonathan Gold. Alton Brown called out Adam Richman. To pull off either costume you’ll need 2 people. Interestingly,  for either feud you choose you’ll need one robust well fed gentleman and one bespectacled gaunt guy .

Being Richman for Halloween allows you to enter any party, pop the collar on your weird army-ish coat of the day,throw up the MvF sign, proceed sweating profusely and then eat everything in sight in what one might describe as a gluttonous fashion. Whoever plays Alton Brown can just be gaunt with a teaspoon of flamboyant and a dash of smugness.

If you decide to be Bayless for Halloween all you have to do is know absolutely nothing about authentic Mexican food in LA and slap your name on something that looks like it fell out the butt crack of Las Vegas. People should catch on to your costume pretty quick.

A FOOD TRUCK

Go find your idiot roommate who’s been hoarding all the cardboard making her Lady Gaga meat dress. Now cut out a truck and make sure that your face appears through the side cutout. Pick an obscure ethnic style food that you are sure everyone in the city will become obsessed with(we suggest having a fleet of 3 trucks,calling them The Nina, The Pinta and the Santa Maria and serving Columbus style food. No one’s done that yet). Once you’ve got your costume made, SET UP A TWITTER. Every truck has a twitter! How will all your friends know where your costume has broken down on the way to party? For full authenticity, we suggest standing illegally in parking spots for long periods of time, hanging out outside of restaurants until they call the cops on you and whatever your best dish is, tell everyone you ran out 2 min ago.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

May your night be blessed with you waking up not in jail and hopefully not in a bed filled with melted Chocolate bars still crammed in your pockets. You won’t remember it was chocolate…and for like 10 seconds…your world will come crashing down.

We feel incredibly honored to be hosting the 2010 Share Our Strength Leadership Awards in Washington D.C. at the annual Conference of Leaders. It’s a night for SOS to celebrate excellence within the organization and to honor its community leaders, participating chefs, corporate partners and event innovators.

We stand united with SOS in the pursuit to end childhood hunger. A dozen awards will be given this year to distinguished individuals who have donated time, money, sweat and love to the organization.

The Leadership Awards culminate the 2010 conference and take place Sunday Oct. 17th at The Fairmont Hotel in D.C. Sandra Lee is a featured speaker and some amazing chefs will be in attendance. 5 chefs (all top secret) will be catering the reception prior to the awards. (once we are allowed to say who, we’ll let you know).

Max and I are working diligently on a great comical song number to kick off the night that will feature many of the nominees accomplishments to the tune of 2010’s big hits from Lady GaGa, Eminem, Taylor Swift and Kanye West.* Additionally, Pauly D from the cast of Jersey Shore will be presenting an award for “best cooking TV show personality of the year”!**

Learn more about the event here:

http://www.strength.org/conference/colleadership/

*This is a lie.

*If you believed this, you are ridiculous. It’s also a lie.

1) You must be in an insanely lazy mood. I mean, so lazy you do not even want to google a restaurant to deliver food to you. Driving is simply out of the question. You are in a “Barely able to change the channel off the Sat night TNT movie” mood.

2) You must be kinda to very broke. The idea of spending $10+ on delivery is literally sickening.

3) You have to have basically ZERO groceries in your house. I mean, you have to be able to see every single inch of the back wall of your fridge. The weird circle ring stain from the soy sauce bottle is about the only think separating your fridge from it’s original factory specs.

4) You don’t even have time to make real rice. Correct. You only have instant rice. (who even owns instant rice? Ahh yes  -the super delegates of the lazy party).

5) You don’t even have any meat to add to the dish. You only have 5 baby carrots from a basically empty veggie platter that may be like 2 weeks old.

RECIPE:

1) cook instant rice in tupperware. Cook 3 min or until fluffy.

2) cut up old baby carrots and add to the instant rice.

3) cover in soy sauce/Hoisin sauce.

4) serve with cup of tap water.

Congrats you are either the poorest SOB alive, the laziest SOB alive, or just trying to push the boundaries of really using everything up before going grocery shopping. Either way, you are a true food connoisseur.

Ok – that picture of coleslaw sucks. I knows it. But hey, you try starting to drink at 1pm while cooking and entertaining 40 people and then trying to remember to take picture of the food. Yes, the coleslaw recipe will be in this post…but wait…we are getting ahead of ourselves. Let’s rewind to Saturday evening around 7.30pm.

I went up to my favorite place to buy meat - Marconda’s at the 3rd street Farmer’s Market (http://www.yelp.com/biz/marcondas-meat-market-los-angeles) to snag 8 lbs. of beautiful fatty pork butt. Little known fact - Jews actually  learn how to spot a good cut of pork butt while studying for their haftorahs. And…now that we’ve offended several dozen people with that joke let’s move on. 
At Marcanda’s I  had a good conversation with a guy next to me at the counter who was buying 20 lbs of pork butt for his Super Bowl party (ok, showoff Mcgee). He and HIS buddy had gone halvsies on a $500 smoker and were going to town starting it at 5am (oooo la-fuckin la, Im SOOO impressed early risers). 

Since I had just drank an orange pop, which to my sensitive system might as well be made out of adderall,water and orange food dye, and since I wanted to knock this guy off his meat high horse, I told him I was starting my pulled pork THAT NIGHT bc I’m that dedicated to my craft. I then did some side to side finger snaps, told him to talk to the hand and took a huge bite out of a raw steak to let him know a) I’m crazy b) don’t step to this bull bc he WILL get the horns. Supposedly he was just trying to make casual conversation, but I was way too much in the zone.

I got home at about 8ish, cleaned some of the fat off the top for the (heart attack alert)pork fat sauteed onions and then put a nice dry rub all over the PB. The dry rub consisted of Salt,Pepper,Onion powder,Paprika,Brown Sugar,Cayenne Pepper,Cumin and Garlic Powder. I seared the pork belly and cut off a small hunk to make a pork sandwich for that evening cuz, dudes gotta eat. 

 Then I put the remaining butt in the dutch oven with the braising liquid, which consisted of – apple juice,ketchup,grey poupon mustard,more cayenne and a whole yellow onion. Into the real oven set at 220, I placed the dutch oven ever so gently and waved goodbye.”When I see you again you’ll be pulled pork!!” I said. It was as emotional as it sounds.

At 1.30am as Ashton Kutcher continued to be consistently unfunny on SNL,I knew I needed to taste the PB and make sure this train hadn’t gone off the rails on the way to flavortown. I pulled the pork using two forks,my massive triceps and all the personal will i had to not gobble it all down right then and there. The aroma wafting up was like if Albert Einstein built a special BBQ in heaven for Julia Childs to make God’s BBQ lunch. I put the shredded meat back in da dutchie,closed the oven door and let it do it’s damn thang.

Still awake at 3.30am, I made an executive decision to not leave the oven on all night for fear of liquid evaporation and separated the pork from the liquid allowing both to cool faster. At around 4.15 I put it all in the fridge. The next morn at 10am it was back in the 220 degree oven cooking away till 2pm. By mid-party, the sun still high in the sky, discouraged party guests were left with nothing else but the ability to wipe clean the sides of the dutch oven to gather the last tasty morsels of liquidy porky goodness. 8 lbs taken down in no time. Save your clock/portion management mumbo jumbo for someone else.To me, THAT is party success.

In addition to the coleslaw and the slow cooked pulled pork I made a variation of German potato salad with pork fat onions and bacon and then a sample pack of handmade donuts. Here’s a shot of the donuts

from L-R : M&M encrusted, Vanilla Frosted, Almond and Vanilla, Caramel coated.

Overall the Super Bowl party was a slambash of epic proportions. Half a keg, 100+ beers, a handle of Johnnie Walker, 8 lbs of pork, 5 pounds of slaw and 10 pounds of potato salad. If you were to tell ME that you left hungry, I would tell YOU that you also left a goddamn liar (or perhaps you just came a vegetarian…)

Jalapeno Coleslaw

1 head green cabbage, quartered then sliced into strips. 
2 medium sized jalapenos,cut in half lengthwise then sliced on a mandolin
1 whole carrot, grated
1 red onion, quartered, sliced nearly paper thin on mandolin (while drinking Gin)
juice of 1 lime
2-3 tablespoons mayo
1 tablespoon white vinegar
2 cloves of raw garlic diced fine
salt and pepper to taste
OPTIONAL – 1-2 shakes Cayenne pepper (this will obviously make it spicier)
 
 Cut all veggie ingredients. Mix well.
Add mayo and gently toss.
 add vinegar and lime juice.
salt and pepper. Mix well.
Taste it.
if you want it to have more of an acidy flavor (more bite) add another 1/2 tablespoon vinegar until its where you want it.

Remember that as this sits overnight, the flavors/spice will intensify

Money is definitely tight right now so we want to help alleviate (a small amount) of the holiday shopping burden by giving you 2 signed copies of our cookbook “Freshman in the Kitchen.”  Keep one for yourself or give both away, we’ll sign em both to whomever and ship them directly to your door with plenty of time to have them wrapped for the holidays.

To win the “FreshmanKitchen personalized cookbooks Contest” all you need to do is:

1) Go to www.youtube.com/freshmankitchen
2) Watch our reel video AND leave a comment
3)Log into twitter and tweet this message “I just entered to win 2 signed cookbooks from @freshmankitchen! Contest info : www.youtube.com/freshmankitchen” (the remaining 42 characters are yours if you want em!)

We will contact the randomly selected winner via twitter at the end of this month!

GOOD LUCK! And remember that you can also buy our cookbook by clicking on the very not subtle sky blue link to your upper right.

Elizabeth Schiele          September 23, 2009

Brothers in the kitchen: Eli and Max Sussman sign their new cookbook, “Freshman in the Kitchen,” and conduct a cooking demonstration at two events. 6 p.m. Saturday. $10. Whole Foods, 3640 N. Halsted St. Information, 773-472-0400. And 6 p.m. Tuesday to benefit Common Threads. $60. The Chopping Block, Merchandise Mart. Information, 312-644-6360.

Thanks to the Chicago Tribune for including us in the Good Eat’s Section of today’s new-sa-paper!